Log in

So, What Just Happend Here? [entries|friends|calendar]
I'll Let You Call It.

[ * | Stuff I write. ]
[ * | Stuff from before. ]
[ * | Stuff about me, ]
[ | & stuff about them. ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[24 Jan 2009|11:20am]
so this has been a pretty good time line to my life.

pretty much says what i never want to forget about the people i dont want to remember. haha.

my bones dont ache. my brain is much clearer. and although my headaches still slow me down once in a while, i can at least think clearly (most of the time).

i dont have friends. but in a better way than before. back then i had friends that werent really my fiends, and today im not surrounded by people who dont care. makes me see the people who do care a lot more clearly.

makes me laugh when i ran into old friends. even if im laughing out if discomfort i'm still laughing. and that's a long ways from were i use to be.

makes me forget about what ever it was that made us drift apart but doesnt make me forget i still dont want them around.

i'm not any less anti-social or any more than what i really am.

i mean that's it. i was born that way. i enjoy time by my self. it doesnt make me ache at my bones as much.

there are people who i wouldn't mind having a talk with. but i also know that a talk wouldn't change a thing. to much time has past and my life is not were it used to be.

i dont feel like im saying this for anyone else's sake. but for my self. so that i know what this is like. so i remember when the time comes that i feel alone again.

and i can tell my self. "but i wanted it this way"

i want my work. i want my husband. i want my family. and i want the same friends i've always had. and there are very few things of substance that i can have that would make a big difference on how i feel over all.

their are my interest of course, my hobbies, my goals, and my ambitions. but not having anyone else to share them with doesn't make them any less important. i once had plenty of people around me that cared for the same thing i did, and my dreams and aspirations seemed more out of reach then than they do now.

after all, only i well ever know how i feel. and if no one out there could understand me it wouldn't make me less me or less able to feel the way i feel.

and lastly, i hope this feeling last. i hope i doesn't fade the next time i feel out of place, the next time i'm ignored, or simply the next time i'm in a crowded room.
¿bite me?

[10 Apr 2008|10:24am]
lately i have to many plans. and not enough means to get threw with any off them. thats a disappointment, to say the least.

i was thinking about that expression, "to say the least." how do you say that in spanish. eso es lo de menos. not really. cus disappointment isnt THE least. its just one of the things. the least of my worries, in other words.

either way, i shouldnt list my worries. then there more concrete when there is a list of them. and today i have to get advised. i'm a senior. i think. and i dont know my way around my college. that is pathetic. because my college has only been my college for one semester. yet i still hope i can graduate in just one year and a half. and i really hope that half doesnt turn into another year.

i'm more than done, i'm over-cooked and i really need to get out of this slow-cooker.
1 bruise*¿bite me?

[13 Feb 2008|08:29pm]
is it even fair to be this unhappy, sometimes?

i dont think it is.

and i dont know why it happens either.

i miss people.

i was at a blank on the word people. i dont know who in particular maybe because i dont know why i should miss them. i dont even know if the word friends could be applicable.

i'm getting my brains back and it feels good.

i feel a little empowered. almost like i could beat anyone at any board game. but i dont have anyone to play with me. but my brains still have plenty of good uses. plenty!
¿bite me?

once again... [04 Dec 2007|12:52pm]
i came here to try to understand my self. and i found a couple of things...

this quote... "each time i hate something, each time i dislike a person or a thing, i intern dislike my self that much more."

me ranting about hating school just a year ago, but still liking my econ class.

and the time i had a buffer.

with that i came to a couple of conclusions. being so isolated worked. i feel better about my self. less discouraged about school. less hateful.

more outgoing.... way to much. manic episode bad. i was right. i'm not the kind of person that can handle the pressure of a demanding lifestyle. changing my major might have been the answer. because work and live will be more separated this way.

i did come to the conclusion this weekend that i miss all the parties and i might of gotten drunk and associated missing parties with missing the department. i'm not drunk anymore and i don’t think that’s it anymore.

the buffer. i' have no buffer. no outside source of attention. i'm even not talking to rene much... because it seems when ever i see him he just critics everything. from the way i treat my cat (even thought he has never had one) to the way i park at my apartment. ugh.. i'm mad thinking about it.

i might of looked for a buffer and did my best to get it giving the time i'm given out of home. that was wrong. ahhh!

at least this post doesnt end with me ending with "i suck." becuase for once this is the only drama. it was self caused... so i can fix it.

so there isn’t alot of disliking and hating outward so there is less hating and disliking inward.

that makes since to me... and making since to my self is something that has also not happened in a long time.
¿bite me?

[30 Aug 2007|07:52pm]
i remmember the day when i used to post something and get a respond in a couple of hours. then i un-added everyone. also livejournal used to be more popular then.

i think i only write on this to remind my self who i am. i mean think about it when you feel shity about a situaion from the past and you go back and read about it you usually are able to remmember it alot better. sometimes you just write how you feel about sertain things and later when you need advice you find what you previosly wrote about it and end up giving your self advice. you might of not wrote it because that had happend to you already but simply becuase you were writing about your self. when you give your self advice it always makes more since cus you usually always agree, if you wrote it before you were ever biased by the actuall situaion it actually works alot better because you know what you would say if you were clear headed.

it's proably not healthy. it probably stops you from ever growing.

the other day i ran into a person/ scratch that / i ran into a boy. we used to be good friends and one day he said we could not be friends any more. he didnt have time, i should not be mad, he doesnt talk to girls anymore, except those who are friends with his new girlfriend. it sucked so sooooo much. i still feel bad about it so when i ran into him i pretended not to see him.

when ever i seem to need advice on friends i think about that situation. it automaticly sours the whole thing. it seems that as of leatly i can't keep friends long. but ppl always seem to be ignoring you when you want to talk to them the most.

i mostly make guy friends. another boy did the same thing to me after that first boy did it. but i eventually befriended him back. and then not so much. i am friendly with the first one and even tought sometimes i wish i still had a friend like that again i wont try to befriend him again.
¿bite me?

[28 Jul 2007|06:46pm]
once again something in my life just kinda falls into place.

well it was a bit stressful but it wasnt as much of a struggle as it would of been if i hadnt had some luck along the way.

i'm not getting to excited but it does seem like the hardest part has past.
¿bite me?

this is for me to uderstand and you to agree with. [21 Jul 2007|07:43pm]
ppl are hard to understand. i see that. for the most part i have little or no desire to try to understand them.

but when i come across a person who truly intrigues (sp?) me enough; i make an effort. it doesnt happen often but when it does i still only make a small effort. i wait in till i know the other person is as interested or worthy of the attention. it is then that i consider them my friends. when they take just as much time to know me as i take on them.

i truly dont appreciate any of the following.

1) friends whose conversations are all about gossip, that doesnt involve me or even them.
2) friends who make assumptions of me, especially those assumptions that show how little they trusted in me or cared about the friendship.
3) along with the assumptions but important enough to be its own point all together are friends who make assumptions on me when they only know an other persons side of the story. that includes sam.
4) friends who see me and sam as one. e.i. assuming that because sam is ok or not ok with something i have the same felling towards what ever that may be. or e.i. giving us a joint identity with the use of a nickname.
6) "friends" who say they dont "give a shit" about friends because they fuck you over. i dont care to deal with a person who regards friends as being untrustworthy. the line is simple on that one, you dont have to trust me, but let me know ahead of time so i know not to trust you. trust has to be mutual for it to work.
7) friends who ignore your messages, because the content was "uncomfortable" or whatever.

like i told someone before, i consider a friend someone who i am able to talk things over. i however dont give to many chances. i dont like wasting my time. ppl seem to think i dislike alot of ppl but really i'm just anti social, i dont like "friends" who might as well be your enemies. i only like having ppl around who i can trust. i only like having ppl around who are willing to listen, not to help me pass judgment (i'd like to think i can judge for my self) but just cus sometimes you need someone to listen.

8) friends who judge when it isnt any of their FUCKING business.
2 bruises*¿bite me?

[06 Jul 2007|11:17am]
nothings made me feel better all summer. i'm even sicker today.

but its amazing how little i miss the departments and its dramas. i'm enjoying my brake. there are a few things i miss, mostly ppl, but thats a really short list of ppl.

my flem keeps coming up with blood and thats just the tip of it. ehh.


i think i need to move away. i think thats the only way i will survive. its always upsetted me how little ppl pay attention to me. even when they are around me. even when they are in my home. even when they are good friends with sam. i think that upsets me the most.

along with the list of ppl i miss i have a long list of ppl i never want to see again. its hard to allow ppl to ignore you, its even harder when other ppl allow it too.

just for the record, you have no clue. you cant even begin to imagine how little you know me. but that’s universal, everyone feels that way so i don’t take that into consideration anymore.

But still its hard to say what of all the things you and i knwo are actually true because, well…

for starters i cant even decide if my natural state is this depressed. if i've felt this way for the majority of my live because i am just an antisocial kid or because i'm actually depressed. i cant even decide when i actually feel more comfortable.

although the first thing that comes to mind when i think comfort is NOT this. or anything happening around THIS. its me sitting at angie's eating ice-cream out of the container, ignoring her double dipping rule and trying to at the same time occupy a whole sofa to motivate a guy to sit next to a friend instead of next to me, becuase if he sat next to me i would be accused of flirting again. i went to much into the imagery here. but that was comfortable.

this is mediocre. and i was always sick then. i was still depressed. i was still grouchy. i was still mean. i was vindictive. i was loud. i was shy. i was still very very un-friendly. so i just dont understand.

this has gone past venting. Ehh…
¿bite me?

[06 Jul 2007|10:10am]
nothings made me feel better all summer. i'm even sicker today.

but its amazing how little i miss the departments and its dramas. i'm injoying my brake. there are a few things i miss, mostly ppl, but thats a really short list of ppl.

my flem keeps comming up with blood and thats just the tip of it. ehh.

2 bruises*¿bite me?

any more [15 Jun 2007|11:00am]
ahh! i feel clean!

i've gotten too used to firefox and its spell check. right not im planing on being late to class. i dont want to go to class. i'm sick and i was sick yesterday and last night i was sick too.

i feel dumped, the funny thing is i dump everyone.

i need to call rox. i'll never dump her. saying that makes me smile. cus yeah.

i hate that my body gets the flu three times a year. i hate that my mom works all day now and she didnt make me soup. no one is going to make me soup. i hate that is friday. i hate that i only made 1 and 1/2 bags.

i especially hate that once i'm done venting i'll only feel a little better and i cant think of anything else i can possibly do to make me feel even better. except for going late to class which i already am.

i shouldn't be late i have a review for a test tommorow, and i have to ahh.... writing that down isnt venting. so shh.\

my arms hurt from typing because my bones have been hurting since yesterday.

so i'm stoping, not cus im done but cus i have too. so i'm not going to feel (any more) better.
¿bite me?

[13 Feb 2007|07:14pm]

there is a container of left overs on the kitchen table. been there for a couple of days. i hate coming home to shit like that. it was literally shit once. sugar on the floor. peanut-butter on the floor. spoiled oranges on the table. spoiled vegetables i dont buy eat or know what they are named in the fridge, spoiled. i come home to carpeting that has only ever been vacuumed by me. kitchen walls that i clean. bathtubs that only i clean. restrooms that only i clean. i somewhat feel like i was being paid to clean just because she paid half the rent and bills.

and you know what, i decided that in my life i'm only getting mad at things once. just once. i got extremely mad once. way too mad. now i have a great relief. awesome relief. beyond amazing relief.

i'm no longer mad. i learned my lesson. dont live with people that dont know you well enough to understand you. (this one works both ways).

we thought we were doing everything we could, communications never were clear. first off all i'm my own person who was always raised to believe she doesnt have an anger problem. example: i get mad, shit yes i get mad. but thats it. i forget aslong as the problem was resolved in the end. never was, i never spoke up. never did things my way. just became more and more uncomfortable in my own place. i know she did too. i knew she always did. but frankly sam always said he would take care of it. he tried. she tried. we still arent roommate material. End of story.

someone had to end it. and i'm not one to drag things on. i did it my way once. i got mad. was ignored. its over. i'm so relieved.

you know what. i should of known that if you cant carry a conversation with someone about something interesting because you dont have much in common, then you probably cant hold a conversation about how to deal with the leaving situation.

i'm looking forward to living alone with sam. we need that too. if we look for another roommate, which might already have found us. i know what to look for. its not all about how clean they are (there is a limit tough, and boy to we know it now). how well they can pay the rent. or even if we think they are friendly and nice (which we still think she is). it's about how well we can talk to them, and them to us. if not we aren’t getting anywhere.


its my mom's birthday today. WOOHOO.

and i might like the theatre but i want to change my major. i think i'm an accountant (sp?) now.

will and grace saves my life in the mornings thanks to freddy. and i need a vcr cleaner.

1 bruise*¿bite me?

[27 Jan 2007|04:46pm]
breakfast/lunch at down town mcallen is the best. i will try not to eat any more fast food and try to find more places like that.

great way to finish off the whole show, party, sleepover drunken event.

hail to alton brown and his guenies. he is like food god, what he says go. before people eat they should prey to him. thats how great he is. thats right i said it. hail to the alton brown!!

in my defence, i might still be food drunk.

ahh burger :::drulls:::

if you are what you eat, today i am a cheese burger. "a quarter pounder with cheese" like albert says.
2 bruises*¿bite me?

[10 Jan 2007|02:02am]
me duele la cabeza, no e podido dormir bien, y ultimamente no se que aser.

Aser con que? Con nada. Solamente no se.

Hoy me levente "enferma" me dolio el cuello y me sentia come si me iva a dar gripa. No creo que sea gripa. Hoy tampoco comi. Solo una barra de granola, y leugo unos tacos. Pero no me movi en todo el dia, asi que no se para que nesesitaria (sp?) comer. Por lo menos la pansa no me duele.

Deveria de lear un libro en espanol. Tal ves algo de poesia, o la historia de un pais latino asi se que nada se perdio en la traducsion y puedo mejorar my vocabulario todo a la misma vez. Que piensas?

3 bruises*¿bite me?

[31 Dec 2006|05:07pm]
everyone has an end to the year post... here is mine

2006 is over.

the end of the year never feels like the end of the year. i never understood much about the whole "brand new start" feelling everyone seems to get. all i know is that i'm sick and i dont feel like doing anything today. it is, however, my brother's birthday and since over the last month i missed like 3 family birthdays i have to go to this one. no, not have to i want too.

then thats it for me... i wish.
¿bite me?

[24 Dec 2006|03:30am]
"Luck has nothing to do whit. Everything is preordained. Manifest destiny. You can stop time from happening no more than you can will the oceans to overwhelm the world, to cause the moon to drop from its outer sphere"

I will read a book next year and maybe I will read that book. If I can find a copy or if someone has a copy I can borrow.

So once upon a time, a time when I used to say jokes that weren’t meant to be funny, I used to never lie. NEVER. Unless I thought I was being lied too. And that’s completely true. I might stop lying again. All I really have to do is say “I think” before every lie, I never lie about personal things, just the little trivial things that I find amusing people will believe if you tell them with a straight face.

I probably won’t stop lying. Just like I won’t start telling the same dry dark jokes I used too. I will at least try to stop lying. I also feel like I have to be more truthful. Not the stop lying kind of truthful but I’ll stop keeping my mouth shut when people ask me questions like…

“Does this taste good to you?”
“Does this match?”
“Does this make me look fat?”

you know, stuff like that.

By the way the answers are

I’ve never liked your cooking. You always fuck up the basics.
I don’t care if it matches, I never do.
You are probably just fat.

The first question is important. The second one is trivial, and the third isn’t really about anyone.

I just now realized that saying little and trivial is being repetitive. Blah, blah, and blah. That’s repetitive also.

I HATE philosophy. Almost as much as I hate people who so obviously have physiological problems and wont accept anything a therapist will tell them because in there insanity they think they know better. They don’t that’s why they keep making the same mistakes, because they are stuck in the same problem cus they are two hard headed to see it any other way.

Newer philosophers don’t have the same problem as the older ones. Thy older once are just like the people that think they always know better, and most of there philosophy tents to be near sighted and narrow. Well some do. I haven’t read a book in a while but I keep thinking of subjects to read up on again and I talk myself out of it. But then again I can only think for so long before I run out of excuses for my own narrow mindedness. I just need to pick subject or a book before I go into the same cycle all over again.

Blah... Are you still reading? Why?
1 bruise*¿bite me?

[06 Dec 2006|12:34am]
looking back.... reading back, i realise that lately i feel like everything i have to say is pointless to say. so instead i write somthing pointless. i feel uneducated. i cant spell. and latley i'm alot more intrested in magazines than books.

i've justafied that by telling myself that it makes since becuase of my carreer choices. but the problem is that i have a brain and i've slowly forgotten how to use it. an artist should be educated in all areas if not he or she can never make an educated statement about anything. then the art becomes pointless. i'm sooo pointless.

it can totally be seen in my script. i have good characters and good ideas but i cant vocalize anthing with this vocabulary... and i cant make the characters deep enough. i know they are deep but i cant show it because cant make it show in my self.

i suck.....
see i go back to ranting and complaning, except now i totally want to cry. it really upsets me that my spelling keeps getting worst.
2 bruises*¿bite me?

[05 Dec 2006|11:45pm]
People post on this thing to complain to much.

The fact that I point this out a lot might explain why I’ve gone from having so my livejournal friends to so little. They must be annoyed that I say it and then completely understand why I un- add some of them. Sometimes I would greatly appreciate being able to take ppl from my friends page whose livejournal’s are nothing but complains without starting some mess or other. I don’t know, but I shouldn’t talk either I complain to much also.

But on that note I would like to say something positive; I cant wait to finish this week. I can’t wait to finish this damn directing book. I’m so glad I finished my scene design project. I’m so surprised that I’m somewhat passing economics and I might even have a chance to get a B. I’m so glad Sam got the theatre scholarship, which makes me think I got it too. I’m so glad my CIS professor didn’t take role when I was absent. I’m so glad Dr. Stanley is cool enough to pass me solely on the grade I get on my script. mhh… what else…? I’m technically passing out of luck. whooo hooo!!

But honestly this semester has been absolute hell. As far as grades and work and all that mumbojumbo that makes school suck so much. At least I had lots of fun when I wasn’t doing school work so that I don’t regret any moment that was badly spent getting drunk.

3 days ago I wouldn’t be saying any of this. I would be completely pissed off and overwhelmed. But I see the end in the horizon now and I don’t have to do much more to get there, which gives me yet another reason to get drunk
1 bruise*¿bite me?

[24 Nov 2006|05:56pm]
This thanksgiving I took a drive because my husband was being a jerk, then I was a jerk and I didn’t feel like being around another jerk.

Anyway I found out that Starbucks is opened and so is golden coral. It’s weird.

I saw a lady driving around like dumbass. She couldn’t stay in her lane so I tried not to drive next to her. When we finally came to a light I saw she had been looking threw her purse and got out a lil orange container. Something similar to a pill bottle, more than likely a pill bottle.

It’s cold again and its fun. I need to wash my sweaters they all have old smell from having been put away. I bought an awesome sweater during the summer and stupid me lost it.

Right now I should be cleaning my apartment. Or at least be making wigs. But I’m not cus I suck.
1 bruise*¿bite me?

[15 Nov 2006|11:38pm]
"My eyes hurt"

but i dont go around telling everyone.

a windy day is good for camouflaging tears with an excuse of allergies.
and PMS can camouflage everything else.

so today i stopped worrying about the stupid software, i found out i dont really need it as much as i thought i needed it. i have 12 pages done. an outline that should help me complete 5 more, and a couple of ideas that can help me finish the rest. i wish i knew more about law so i could make one of my characters alot more interesting.

i dont know why i quoted that. but i guess it's cus i want a best-friend. the kind that doesnt need to remind me her eyes hurt or i dont need to remind her either. oh well, i get along with boys better.

and i cant wait till i have time again.
¿bite me?

i can predict the future. [07 Nov 2006|10:26pm]
Rocket Queen 074: haha i found a pic of u at prom ..and u wrote in the back some stuff and i thought it was funny
Rocket Queen 074: let me find it..
BlameItAllOnLuck: hehe
Rocket Queen 074: "you better not lose it and if one day you get mad at me for a stupid reason Dont distroy it because you know youll forgive me , acutally we never get into big fights and thats why i enjoy our friendship its full of drama thanks for that , love mirna"
BlameItAllOnLuck: haha
BlameItAllOnLuck: i dont remember writing that
Rocket Queen 074: haha well i didnt distroy it
BlameItAllOnLuck: hehe but you didnt distroy it

anyway i hate stupid ppl that dont know about real friendships and how they work. they dont know how real friends make OBSEVATIONS about each other. and they dont talk SMACK! well we do but real friends do it to your face, so you always know what they say behind you back too. i'm lucky to have a friend like that (even if i didnt talk to her for a whole year) but i dont like it that ppl try to talk shit about her cus they think she is a liar... this makes me really upset. and this person better not come near me, especially now that i know he's twisted my words too.

pshh, boy take a hint, she doesnt like you! and you are a big joke now.
2 bruises*¿bite me?

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]